Saturday, January 21, 2012

Going to Therapy

If you follow my beauty blog Weighing Down on Beauty, then you know a little bit of what has been going on with me. I have been through a pretty bad break up and had to move out a live on my own (which I have no idea how to do), but I am slowly learning and you can read my initial post on my blog about it, Jess, where the hell have you been?

Well, after everything, I feel a bit more settled with finally being on my own. I have decide to go to therapy. It was a hard decision, but I have terrible anxiety and panic attacks at the oddest times, when I feel I should not be having them. I am on some medication, but I do not want to rely on them fully (I will discuss them more in future posts if anyone is interested)

I did notice (with help of my first therapy session) that I have a hard being my own best friend. I think I trust other people more than I trust my own judgement sometimes. A lot of it has to do with how I was treated in my 11 year relationship. He made me second guess myself a lot and never dropped any mistakes I made. If I made a mistake, I would that person "who makes that certain mistake" forever. I make a lot of mistakes, yes I am flawed lol. So those mistakes I always heard about and I became SUPER hard on myself and always afraid to make mistakes.

So this is what I plan on focusing, learning how to be a friend to myself. I plan on blogging on how my therapy sessions are going and some tips I may learn. I also plan on blogging more about my past relationship in hoping to help women, who were in a unhealthy relationship like me see it more clearly. My ex was manipulative and controlling and I did not see it at all, but my friends told me after the break up that he was and even with explanations of my relationship to my therapist she said the same thing.

Hopefully, I can help someone. Let me know if there are topic you would like me to discuss or feel free to share your own stories in the comment section.

Sunday, March 20, 2011

Letter to my 16 year old self

I will be posting the link to this on my beauty blog as well, but I thought I would have you all read it first since you are my therapists and advice givers.

I found this on For the Love of All Things Girly Blog's and her letter was so touching, personal and emotional that she inspired me to write my own. 

This letter will be things that I wish I could have told my 16 year old self to prepare me for things to come in my future.

Hey you!

So you are 16 now? I know you could not wait for this day. I know you imagined it would give you so much freedom because you will finally have a job and will be making your own money. You always had this sense of Independence for as long as I could remember. No one could tell you anything and if you have your mind set on something, there is no way to talk you out of that. Never loose that passion for life. 

Lose the bitchy I know it all teenager attitude towards your parents and bond closer with your family, especially with your mother. Give her that mushy, I love you hug because unfortunately next year, she will no longer be with us. You are not as grown up as you think you are. When you loose her, you should cry in front of everyone and not hold it in. You were to young to think you needed to be strong for anyone. 

You will meet a really great guy this summer at your first job. You will be with him for 10 years + and he will share all these good and bad times with you. Cherish him and learn from him, as he will have a lot of valuable information to share with you.

ALWAYS support your younger sister.

STAY in the HEALTH CARE field DAMN IT! I know you are in allied health in high school. Just stay on that path. Do not try to be the rebel that you are and try 80 million others things, like social work, or teaching or finance before you realize what you should have done. Trust me on this, the health care field grows on you like fungus and you are going to love it, even though, right now you are not sure if you will. DO NOT go against the grain on this one, you like to be the one to do something different from everyone else, but do not do it on this!

26 year old Jessica

Saturday, March 19, 2011


I know I have a beauty blog and all that jazz but I just found my picture in google images while I was looking up a beauty product review that had nothing to do with my picture...soo weird and creepy to see your picture somewhere when you didn't expect to see it..oh well..

Wednesday, March 16, 2011

The Realism of it all..

Yeah..we all say we want the truth. Have you ever heard these quotes run out of someones mouth before:

"No, honestly"
"Just be honest to me, I can handle it"
"Why do people talk shit about me behind my back, they should just say it to my face"
"Just confront me on it, I don't bite"
"I just want to know how it is going to be"

YEAH..ever try confronting these people who bitch like this and ACTUALLY tell them the truth?
I do sometimes, I can be a pretty blunt person and sometimes I am not always tactful..annndd..sometimes I do not choose my words very wisely...ehh..I guess those could be some of my cons..

For example, I once let something slip and told  co-worker A that co-worker B was saying some not so nice things about her. I am typically not this type of person, but screw it, we are all human and it happened. Well, co-worker A got mad at B and B suspected I said something because she didn't tell very many people about this. Whatever, whatever, I caused a bit of drama..I kinda felt bad and co-worker B is always rantin and ravin.."if you got something to say to me, just say it my face, we can just work it out" Well, guess what, I confronted co-worker B, "MANED UP" so to say on what I told A and apologized.  Well, she didn't know how to act when I approached her, she likes talking SMACK so much that she has no idea what do when someone is actually respectful to her and tells her the truth. SO, she just rolled her eyes, said fine it's no big deal and tried to ignore me. The next day she is going around telling people that she can't believe I apologized and that she does not like me..blah,blah,blah..but if you got something to say, just say it to my face right??? I swear I don't get people..

I know, I should have never told my co-worker what she said, it was not my place, nor my business, BUT I did OWN up to it. NOTHING is ever good enough..some people are just addicted running their mouth! I am not expecting her to kiss the ground I walk for an apology, but just take it like a woman..

So here is another one. I am at my hospice volunteer class and it is our last class before we start doing "REAL" volunteering. I have a lot of experience in health care field so I am not as nervous as the other people.

When we start working with the patients, we have to first be trained by members of the health care team (most likely with C.N.A's) to get us all accustomed to the floor and they way they do things there. Our instructor mentions that some C.N.A's do not like to train volunteers and some is totally their choice if they want to. So one of the women in the class ask, "Well what if I get paired with one who does not want help?" The instructor simply replies, "we know who they are and you will not be paired with them" Then the women goes " Well why wouldn't they want to help us anyways, they should be fired then because we are just there to help them"

WHOA WHOA WHOA!! You know my hand goes up at that moment to respond! I gave her the honest truth from my own aid experience, in a respectful manner as to why some aids may not want to train a volunteer. I simply explained that A.) it is difficult to train someone who does not have a medical background B.) some health care workers are VERY set in their ways and C.) (this is me) they do not trust new people to the resident that they have spent so much time with, who they know very well and just do not want to deal with smarty pants newbies, who want to tell me how to do my job or criticism me before they even know what is going on...(okay so I did not say that last part but I thought it for sure)

Well she didn't like that answer and she got mad. BUT that is honestly some of the reasons I have heard from other aides as to WHY they do not like to train others, BUT there are lots of other that really do like to train, but to imply that someone should be fired for not wanting to train is just ridiculous. I gave her an honest answer from experience and she got MAD..WTF lady!

I personally get very cautious around new people at my job because I have seen some very bad aids and I care to much about my residents, to let someone who has no idea what they are doing ( or someone who thinks they know exactly what they doing without having a clue in the world) just go in there. Don't give me tidbits on a resident I have known for years that you just met an hour ago and don't just stand there and twiddle your thumbs either. I know that is the whole purpose of training and learning, BUT I am still so cautious and it seems like 85% of my co-workers are the same way. If you want to be part of our team, you really need to prove yourself, we are kind of hard on the newbies (but we kind of have to be, Alzheimer is not and easy disease at all and we are dealing with sick human lives here) and god help you if one of the girls does not like you for any will not last long there at all, but that is a can be discussed at different time...on another post..

Tuesday, March 15, 2011

I have severe waiting anxiety

Yeah I really my car was in the shop getting the brakes done and I needed someone to pick me up from home to bring me the mechanic to pick up my car.

I luckily got a ride and they said they would be here at 11am..great I thought because at that same time my job called and asked me to come in early. I really wanted to because it would be considered overtime for me and LOVE me some overtime (time and a half baby!) So I told her my situation with the car and told her I should be there soon.

So 11am rolls around and no ride, my anxiety actually started around 10:50am because I had an odd feeling that my ride would not show up on time. At 11:15am I get a text from my ride stating he will be here in 45min because something came up..I was upset, but I can not control this and I did need a ride. So 12pm roll around (45min later) and still no ride! NOW I am MAD because my job called me and said that they no longer needed me because someone else was willing to come in..URGH..I just lost potential overtime over this! boy was I upset and nervous about when my ride was coming..what do I do while I wait for someone for a time that I have no idea when they are realing coming. I didn't really want to start something and then not finish it or have to leave it in 5 min or 1 min..the anxiety kills me! He finally shows up at 12:17pm and I got my car..FINALLY! BUT my overtime is gone and I was really sad about that..that is why I HATE HATE HATE relying on other are on their time and I don't like being on anyone else's time other than mine. I honestly had no other option. I am going to try my darnest to avoid situations like this in the future.

AND yes I get this frustated when doctors appointments are late or any appointment for that matter. I show up early because I value and respect your time and my time, but then that courtesy is never returned. If a doctor is running last, at least tell me so I can decide if I want to reschedule or wait it out...JEEZE!

Monday, March 14, 2011

Where I work..

I work at as a care giver at a Alzheimer's nursing home. I honesty really enjoy my job and I am truly honored to to take care of my residents. I didn't always think like that. I went to college for finance, while working at the nursing home, I thought a nice cushy job behind a desk would be better then getting cussed at and beaten from time to time via my residents.

I graduated college with my BS in finance and got that nice cushy job at a bank behind a desk and I HATED IT! I was all alone at this job with just a computer by my side (witch is how I got into makeup, but that will be another post) and my co-workers were these self-absorbed, ass kissing, munchers, who would do and say anything just to get ahead. Their personalities would change in a heat beat when someone of "so-called" importance rolled around. I never understood that, why should we change ourselves to an utter prick when someone that is higher up than us is around? We should respect and treat everyone the same regardless of the title. I also never understood why the higher ups would tolerate it? Don't you know most of these people think you are an ass but are nice to you because they feel obligated to?

I worked at the bank for 3 years (and kept my nursing home job on a per-diam basis)..3 years of hell and I decided to go back to nursing school and back to my beloved nursing home. That was not an easy decision at all for me. While I love the nursing home, the job paid less than my back job and I have a mortgage and bills to pay, BUT it was a better schedule for school and I knew I would be happier there, so I did it.

I am happy I am back there. Being in nursing school and working in a nursing home really makes me more alert and attuned to the residents needs. I have formed  bonds with certain residents and I of course have my favorites..yeah you don't have a favorite

One of my favorites is declining in is only a matter of time before they all do. There is no cure for Alzheimer and when you have it, you die from it. She was very dehydrated and had the flu so they sent her out to the hospital for hydration and to keep a closer eye on her. I went to visit her 3 out the 6 days she was there, I thought having a face she may recognize would help her anxiety about being in different place and TRUST me this lady gets anxious.

I mentioned this to one of my co-workers that I went to see this resident at the hospital on Sun, Mon, and Tues, I wasn't bragging it just came up in conversation because we were discussing her decline and she said "OMG all three days! You need to get a life!" WTF did she just say?? I need to get a life for showing some interest in a resident that I appreciate! I am 26 years old, I work an average of over 40 hours, attend school (not till May again), own a home, volunteer at a hospice center, maintain a beauty blog and makeup hobby AND I need to get a LIFE for visiting a resident that was at a hospital that was around the corner from the nursing home?!?! REALLY?! Is that a joke?

Why does it bother you that I went to see her? I told her, " I have a life, I don't see an issue with visiting her for 20 min a day before I go work and either should you" That annoyed me so much you have no idea! I am sorry but when you work with these residents, you see them EVERYDAY, you meet their families, and you learn their life stories. You also learn how to deal with the "new Alzheimer resident" they are not the same people that their families remember them being. So YES, sometimes, I feel a little extra something for certain residents, sometimes they are more like my family than my family because of how often I am around them. That is the realism of this job, this job is not a routine at all, everyday is different and I enjoy that.

Sunday, March 13, 2011

I NEED this!

Honestly, I should go to a therapist BUT it would cost me $40 a damn week and I could have that kind of money but I would rather spend that somewhere else instead of giving it to some DR trying to push meds down my throat while pretending to listen me.

Instead, I'm going to use all of you as my therapist. I need to vent, rant and bitch. I need unbiased advice.

A quick disclaimer on me. I tend to be honest, maybe to honest. If you knew me in person, I would be that loud girl that is always speaking her mind and blurting out her opinions even if you didn't ask me. I tend to curse and use slang at times, so beware. I am going to try to be as uncensored as possible on this blog. I NEED to, if I am ever going to help myself or even expect others to help me.

This blog may not have all happy posts. There may be sad or depressing posts, it just all depends on how I am as the days go on. One thing I can guarantee, is that you will learn about me. You will learn about my past, present and future.